Searching for the Wizard of O

Condoms and dildos and stripper poles, oh my! Welcome to Toronto’s Everything to Do with Sex Show, where all walks of life gather to inconspicuously browse the latest and greatest in “sexual enhancement” gadgets, bargain-bin adult DVDs, sanitized, suburbanized fetish gear value-pack ensembles, and perhaps catch a main stage amateur pole-dancing show along the way.

Here, the path to the Emerald City is a lush, red carpet that leads you in and out of the menagerie-like caged displays of both plain and peculiar pleasure inducers.  I knew I had left Kansas when I stumbled upon the biggest dildo I had ever seen, The Great American Challenge.  More of a battering ram, this one-eyed purple people eater would probably require an entire battalion to hoist off the ground, let alone thrust through the back door.  Sufficiently frightened, I closed my eyes, clicked my heels, and repeated under my breath, “There’s no place like home…”  Instantly, the fairy godmother of The Sex Show appeared and assured me that despite the monsters along the way, I was heading in the right direction.

I forged on, knowing that courage wasn’t my strong point.  I wasn’t there to prove I could house an army in my vagina - I just wanted the lowdown on products that promised to deliver me to the Wizard of O.

After a couple of hours of shouldering my way through aisle after aisle, it was clear that I had found five special products that go a little beyond the Kansas of conventional dildos and vibrators like bestsellers, Dolphin Tickler and The Rabbit, but still satisfy the basic needs of love-play.  Because I have not actually tested these five finds, they are listed in no particular order.

1.    Glass dildos (www.LoveStyleAdultToys.com)

Although I had been informed many times by various booth operators that ‘cyberskin’ was all the rage, I had an inkling by the rancid silicone smell and dirt stains on the floor model dildos that perhaps this material wouldn’t hold up in a “fight.”  When I came to Love Style’s booth of eye-and-light catching glass dildos, something told me that this is where it’s at.  As I was handling the “Cascade” model, one of the night’s performers, Devaya, ran up to me and began to gush about the superiority of these products over their synthetic counterparts.  For one, I learned that long nails can rip silicone, allowing dirt and bacteria to cozy up in the crannies.  Glass is virtually scratch-proof and indestructible, and the ‘cold’ factor can easily be avoided through some foresight, by placing it under your thigh before requiring its services. According to Devaya, glass hurts much less than synthetic dildos, but seemingly more important and exciting than all of these plusses is the fact that glass dildos are dishwasher safe!

2.    Sexercise Ball (www.sexercise.me)

Come on, ladies!  Don’t tell me that the 80s workout fad that American Apparel ads riff on is a fluke…80s fitness videos were basically daytime soft core, and the people at Sexercise Ball know it.  That’s why they’ve combined the rush of getting fit by bouncing on a ball with the rush of getting laid by bouncing on an appendage of your choice (they’re detachable).  You even have the option of using it phallus-free, like a regular exercise ball…you know, when company comes over and you’re in need of an extra seat…With six helpful diagrams positioned around the ball’s glory-hole, one shan’t be at a loss for ways to hit it, and get fit.